I was just reading and adjusting my ‘About me’ page when I realized that I would like to share something with you. It dawned on me that writing about vulnerability and courage is one thing, and being couragous is another. Expressing your true self to those around you is frightening. But I also have come to believe that it will do you good. And it might help others who are experiencing something similar.
That is why I would like to share the fact that I have during a period of my life experienced a strong sense of uncertainty, and I was at that time walking straight in to a deep depression, nothing I was fully aware of when it was happening. This was the autumn of 2011 and today is the first time I am writing about it.
It started out with a sense of difficulty to focus on everyday things, finding it hard to concentrate on one thing at a time, experiencing stress where I had earlier not. I suddenly felt that just receiving private emails from friends and family was stressful, not mentioning the amount of work that was starting to pile up on my desk adding to my sense of not being able to handle common things.
During this time I also remember that meditating or doing yoga wasn´t contributing to a sense of ease any longer. The wonderful feeling after a yoga class was replaced by a strong sense of insecurity.
I stayed home from work, I couldn´t get out of bed. The day just seemed too difficult to get through. I didn´t sleep, perhaps I dozed off but it felt as though I was awake every night, feeling anxious. At the time I was living temporarily at my parents, having broken off an engagement a few months earlier. My home was in my parents living room and I felt terrible for taking up their home, them not being able to have their friends over..them having instead to take care of their 29-year old daughter..
They were worried, and then I think they got frightened, because I could see it in their eyes, though they didn´t tell me.
All I could think of was that I must have a tumor growing in my head that was affecting my feelings and causing me to forget things. I even thought I had gotten dementia, I felt like an old lady not remembering who she was.
I ended up in hospital. The doctors said that I was suffering from a depression. I couldn´t quite understand it, I felt confused and continued to stay in bed.
During my time at the hospital I got the help I needed. And when I started to recover and recognize myself again I began to try to understand what events led to my feeling that way.
I began to understand that the starting point of the depression was the uncertainties in my life at that time; there were changes going on at work, I didn´t have a home and the autumn with the shorter and darker days were taking effect. I began to wake-up at night, not being able to fall back to sleep. Eventually, the lack of sleep took out its toll on me.
During my recovery I realized what an amazing support I had had, every second of the way. A loving and strong family and an incredible team of nurses by my side.
I think that strongly contributed to bringing me back to reality, the strong will and love from my surroundings. Thank you for being there for me and for seeing to it that I got through it.
For the past year and a half I have never felt as strong. Prior to the autumn of 2011 I had appreciated the good things in life but the experiences during this period gave me even more to be grateful for and it also gave me a new dimension to my life.
Today, I am in a very good place, living with a wonderful man, happy for all the wonderful relationships I have in my life.
And yoga plays a very large part in my life today. It helps me recognize who I am at the core. It helps me listen to myself, seeing my limits and my boundaries. Yoga gives me inspiration and helps me see and feel the calmness that exists within me. It helps me to continue to grow.
Sharing these events in my life with you, being honest and open, I feel more honest and true to my self. And being authentic, courageous and vulnerable is something I hope more people in this world dare to be. For every individual’s sake as well as for the whole worlds. To feel better about who you are, so that you can spread the love that you have within and contribute to the world being a better place.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.